


Terms of Endearment

by KateyBarton



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 1990's, Cheating, Crappy Title, F/M, Friendship, Harvard University, Law Student! Barba, Ooh But Which Kind?, Rafael Barba Is A Dog Person, Romance, Sorry I Couldn't Think Of Anything Better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-09-27 21:28:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10051271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KateyBarton/pseuds/KateyBarton
Summary: A series of vignettes following Rafael Barba's years as a Harvard Law student.





	1. 1993 – 1994

**Author's Note:**

> I kinda love the thought of a somewhat awkward, not yet jaded, Rafael Barba outside of New York for the first time and finding his feet in the world. I guess this is a silly little interpretation of that idea.  
> Somewhere in the background Don Henley's The Boys Of Summer plays. 
> 
> Cheers.

 

 

**1993 – 1994**

 

Fall Term 

 

In the first week of August, three weeks before the start of his first semester, Rafael Barba nervously walked out of the Animal Rescue League on Chandler Street grasping a bright red leash in his clammy right hand. The warmth of the afternoon sun wrapped around him like a reassuring embrace and he gladly soaked up its rays.

 

During his bus ride to Back Bay Rafael had diligently ignored the loud, disapproving voices of his parents as they circled inside his head. The same voices that had appeared the very moment he began researching adoption and visiting local shelters.

 

He knew his mother worried about the financials, the food and the vet bills. She wrapped up her concerns and disguised them as vaguely insulting criticisms of his character; that Rafael was ‘too young for the responsibility’ and ‘not accountable enough.’ She tried to sneak her apprehensions by him without nagging or sounding like a pet insurer. His father’s voice came as less of a parental nag and more of a taunt, ‘you think a dog will love _you_ unconditionally?’

 

 

With age Rafael became wholly aware of his father’s abusive methods and learnt to ignore his words, the physical distance he put between himself and his father assisted that task. Additionally he knew he was no longer too immature or any of the other excuses his mother had lobbed at him. He was free and independent with white goods and responsibilities; his little one bedroom on Garden Street had a fireplace and what’s more grown-up than having a place to put your fire?

 

Though he was nowhere close to fiscally secure (what 23 year-old was?) his living expenses and tuition were covered thanks to his own tenacity and intellect and the generous benefactors who recognised it. Rafael Barba was officially a Harvard Law student and now, as of twenty minutes ago, a registered pet owner. Completely anonymous to the inhabitants of his new city for the first time in his life he wasn’t Little Rafi from El Barrio or Silvio Barba’s boy. He was his own man.

 

Peering down at the excitable two year-old yellow Labrador by his side (‘Remy’ the paperwork told him) Rafael grinned into the bright sundrenched sky as they walked together toward the common. The pace of his well-worn gym boots on the pavement coupled with his new best friend’s steady panting slowly drowned out the doubts Silvio and Lucia Barba had planted in his mind for the past two decades. In their place a giddy excitement pooled and with every quick glance to his side the young student’s grin widened.

 

Fishing a tennis ball from the front pocket of his backpack Rafael held it up for the dog to see and watched as his tail propelled from side to side in anticipation. As he pitched the fluoro green ball across the lawn he knew he’d made the right decision. Remy would never care how much money Rafael had or where he’d grown up, it wouldn’t matter to Remy if his owner had a six-dollar haircut and wore the same faded jeans from three years ago.

 

The dog sprinted into a nearby flowerbed and emerged with the green ball in his mouth, running with the same vigour back towards his new owner. Overestimating the speed and distance he bounded into a crouching Rafael and knocked him back onto his ass with a dull ‘oomph’. Remy kept a tight clutch on the tennis ball and camped himself on top of Rafael’s lap; though some training would be in order he knew this big yellow goof was supposed to be his.

 

 

\----

 

 

“You’re eating those disgusting noodles, aren’t you?” the accusatory tone made him chuckle and he slurped up another tangle of noodles against the mouthpiece of the receiver for her to hear.

 

“They’re not so bad,” Rafael reasoned. “And they cost sixty cents, you can’t beat that.”

 

A condemning sigh emanated from the other end of the line and Rafael melted against the receiver. Her smooth, sultry voice was like heaven to him; whether it was a breathy laugh, a gentle tease or a low moan against his ear, Rafael lived for every sound released from Yelina’s lips.

 

“Does that mean you don’t want me to make them for you next weekend?” He finally asked, his own voice higher as he teased her.

 

He could hear it before she spoke, through the way the breath left her body, that she was smiling and he imagined her perfect grin and pearly teeth. Leaving her behind was the worst condition of his new life in Cambridge though he found the evening phone calls and her fortnightly visits eased the ache. He sometimes felt like an addict, his body yearning until the next time he could touch her, smell her, kiss her. She was his fix and he’d never felt anything like it before.

 

“I’ll feed it to your mutt when you’re not watching,” Yelina giggled and Rafael’s nose involuntarily scrunched in frustration; he hated admitting it, but it disappointed him that she’d taken such a dislike to Remy.

 

The pooch was camped at the foot of the double bed, lounging slothfully after being denied a sneaky bite of his owner’s dinner. Relaxing against the headboard Rafael rubbed Remy’s exposed belly with his bare foot, a small attempt at atonement for his girlfriend’s cruel jab.

 

Yelina’s singsong voice filled him in on the happenings of his neighbourhood and those who remained. She caught him up on his childhood friend Alex Munoz and the networking opportunity his new internship had offered and the various tales of her own inner circle, those whose names Rafael had never bothered to learn – they never liked him so he didn’t waste time thinking about them.

 

Somewhere Rafael missed the narrative shift and couldn’t catch up to Yelina’s story, he thought she was saying something about a frat party though he wasn’t entirely sure. Content to just listen to her gentle voice he settled back and emitted various approving sounds and non-committal hums at the appropriate moments. He felt as though he could drift off to sleep from the soft caresses of her tone alone.

 

His eyes roamed from the relaxed blob lying at his feet to the window directly in front of him, rarely had he bothered to close his curtains at night due mostly to exhaustion. The building next to his was mere feet away and from his bed he could see directly into the living room of its third floor occupant.

 

The university-run housing on Garden Street consisted of four buildings that wrapped around a courtyard and student common areas. His room was at the back of the first building and looked over into the right side of the next in the square. A narrow alley and a dumpster were all he’d noticed outside his window until now.

 

As his girlfriend persisted with her story Rafael watched with increased fascination as a young woman rearranged the furniture in her living room. Her lips were moving quickly, singing along to something he couldn’t hear and when she snuck a quick pirouette into her path Rafael felt a small smile tug at his lips. Yelina’s voice continued though her words were no longer distinguishable as he eagerly watched the stranger across the alley.

 

“Rafi, are you listening to me?” the question floated from the receiver past her distracted audience of one. Rafael squinted as he observed the young woman perform her unpacking dance; the knees of her denim overalls were torn so he could spy her skin and her honey-coloured hair bounced at her shoulders as she pushed mismatched armchairs and hung framed Follies Bergere posters.

 

“Rafi.”

 

Yelina’s tone grew increasingly curt on each utterance.

 

“Rafi!”

 

 

\----

 

 

Though he was progressing in his obedience training Remy wasn’t always the loyal companion Rafael had hoped for. On a clear October morning the Lab escaped his master’s leash and took off across Harvard Yard, tearing through the various groups of students mingling on the grass.

 

“Godamnit Remy,” Rafael mumbled before setting off on a foot chase across the green.

 

Rafael came to a halt at the foot of a pin oak; it’s golden leaves crunching under his feet as he narrowed in on his treacherous pet. Curled up underneath the shade Remy’s head lay comfortably on the thigh of a young women reading from a Renaissance art textbook. He stood over them and watched as his shadow blocked her stream of natural reading light.

 

The young woman took her time regarding him and he felt himself grow warm and restless under her scrutiny. He could only imagine the sight he offered – the dark waves of his hair had grown unruly and threatened to cover his eyes and his brown cardigan was tattered and stretched at the sleeves. Fashion was a luxury his bank account wouldn’t allow him.

 

Her hazel eyes squinted from the sun streaming in behind him and the glare reflected off of her vintage brow line glasses. Snapping the thick textbook shut she broke their long silence with her tender drawl, “This guy belong to you?”

 

“I thought he did,” he glared at the dog still nestled against her. He punctuated his scowl with a whispered, ‘traitor’.

 

The ruby red lips of the stranger formed a broad smile and Rafael felt impelled to mirror her grin.

 

“I’m Penny Cutler. Sit down, you’re making me look into the sun.”

 

Rafael was oddly compelled to follow her instructions and promptly dropped to his knees to manoeuvre himself close enough to play with the dogs wagging tail.

“Rafael Barba,” he extended his hand. “And that big sook is Remy.”

 

It wasn’t until Penny removed her glasses and slipped them onto the neck of her floral dress did Rafael recognise who was sitting before him. Cascading out from underneath her black bowler hat were the wavy tresses he’d watched flick and sway from his bedroom window. Without thinking he uttered his realisation.

 

“Wait, I know you – you live in the Garden Street complex.”

Her bright eyes stared but she remained silent.

“We share a view of the dumpster in the alley,” he added. “From the third floor.”

 

He watched as her hand stopped stroking Remy’s silky ears and she squinted as she processed his words.

“Are you a pervert, Rafael Barba?”

 

“No!” he shouted, drawing the attention of a nearby couple. “I wouldn’t…” shocked by his own inability to find the words he struggled to pacify her inevitable disgust. He prepared to take his dog and leave the stranger to her book, priming himself for his newfound reputation as The Harvard Peeping Tom.

“I promise I wasn’t watching you like that, I’m not a creep,” he tried.

 

To his relief her body shook in a fit of giggles and her hands went back to playing with Remy’s fur.

“Relax, kid. I’m messing with you.”

 

 

While the morning sun roamed the sky the two sat in their shady spot in a sea of amber and orange leaves. If Rafael were honest with himself he was yet to meet anyone on campus whom he had even a remote interest in socially. He’d been quickly made to feel like an outsider due to his background and his financial situation; he was in no position to bar hop with the complacent and harboured little interest in joining study groups with the elite, which ultimately left him alone in his apartment on the phone to Yelina or in the law library with his nose in his books. It was refreshing not to be quizzed on his GPA or the finer details of his scholarship.

 

She explained her graduate program in art and architecture and Rafael quickly worked out the trajectory of both their academic careers hoping he’d have a companion for the next three years.

“I like beautiful things,” Penny confessed as she toyed with the corner of her tattered second-hand textbook. “Even the ugliest things are beautiful to someone.”

 

With a smirk Rafael pointed to her tortoise shell lenses, “That explains your choice in eyewear.”

 

She peered down quickly and then back up to meet Rafael’s cheeky grin, though she didn’t return it. “These belonged to my dad.”

 

His entire body tensed at her quiet reaction and when she bit the inside of her cheek he wished he could crawl under the blanket of fallen leaves and slink away. How foolish of him to think he could make and keep a friend as lovely as her; of course his mouth would get in the way. The apology left his lips before he could stray into any further shame.

 

“Unless you were driving drunk in the Rockingham area in ‘86, you have nothing to be sorry for.” A sweet smile punctuated her statement and he immediately felt soothed though the guilt lingered.

 

“Still, I shouldn’t have made fun.”

 

“You weren’t to know. Anyway, fashion is cyclical, Rafael. Give it time.” Her wink told him everything was okay between them and she continued on explaining her program.

 

Their warm sun-filled morning didn’t last and when the grey clouds swarmed the sky the two slowly meandered upwards to their separate destinations. Rafael had a midday meeting with his advisor and Penny’s shift at the Fine Arts Museum gift shop started in the hour. Like a gentleman he walked her to the subway station on Massachusetts Avenue with Remy sandwiched between.

 

“You know, Rafael Barba, kids usually buy themselves a new bicycle or a trendy satchel when school starts, not more responsibility,” Penny joked as she bent down to lay a kiss on Remy’s head.

 

Lucia Barba’s voice returned, though fainter this time, to swim round and round in his mind. In the last couple of months Rafael had proved her doubts wrong; Remy was happy and healthy in his care. He flinched when the harsh, slurred voice of his father snuck up on him to haunt his thoughts, pushing Lucia to the side like he so often did.

 

Finally Rafael shrugged his shoulders and explained to his new friend, “most kids haven’t secretly saved up for a pet since they were five years old.”

 

He gazed down at the Lab who was now sitting patiently at his feet.

“Mi papi would continually tell me there were already one too many mouths to feed without bringing a dog into his house,” he paused as he remembered. “It had just been the three of us.”

 

He watched as her eyebrows furrowed and her eyes grew sad. Realising he’d said too much, shed too bright a light on the gloom of his childhood he tilted his head to the side and smiled sweetly.

 

“Anyway, I don’t think a trendy new satchel would suit my current ‘destitute chic’ style. I know I should be saving every cent I have but I’ve wanted a dog since before I can remember. If that means I have to make time for some extra shifts at Trident Books to feed the both of us then so be it.”

 

Penny’s supportive nod warmed him and he quietly laughed as she gave one last loving pat to Remy before setting off on her way. Turning on his heel and pulling the leash slightly Rafael allowed himself to bask in the excitement his meeting Penny had instilled in him; she was sassy yet sweet and fiercely clever and he was suddenly very grateful for Remy’s rebellious habit of running away.

 

 

 

Spring Term

 

Penny left three jaunty knocks on Rafael’s door and listened for Remy’s busy feet on the other side of the wood. The door swung open and she came face-to-face with her friend, though he was more dishevelled than she was used to; his dark waves were particularly wild and she spotted a pencil peaking out from behind his left ear.

 

Leaning an arm against the doorframe she offered him a coy smile, “Take off your Levi’s, Rafael.”

 

She was hoping for a glimpse of his nervous smile, the one that made his lips pinch tight as he tried to appear stoic though she was disappointed when it didn’t grace his unshaven features. Instead he folded his arms across his chest in an effort to look unamused by her flirty request.

“Excuse me?”

 

With an exasperated breath she explained, “Go put on some shorts, we’re going to the park.”

 

Rafael rested his head against the door and sighed, seemingly ready to reason with his well-intentioned friend, “Penny, I can’t. I have to read this chapter on Constitutional Protection and then finish my paper.”

 

Drawing the pencil out from his untidy mane she flung it over his shoulder to the books stacked around his living room floor.

“And I have to start _and_ finish my paper on The Reformation. But you look so fucking stressed over here that I swear you’re gonna give _me_ a stomach ulcer just looking at you. One hour, that’s all I ask.”

 

She watched his eyebrows knit together in confusion, “Let me get this straight – you’re taking me out for the sake of your own health, not mine?”

 

“What can I say, I’m a selfish bitch,” Penny shrugged and then clapped when he finally relented and walked towards his bedroom to change.

 

 

She had expected him to completely refuse, to turn around and follow the path back the way they came, back to his books, his stress and his deadlines. But to her surprise he followed her toward the group of students already sitting on their mats.

 

Though his technique required some work he wasn’t awful and his triangle pose was something to be envied. Occasionally he’d wobble and use Penny’s arm or hip until he was steadied and he seemed to take great pleasure in purposefully trying to knock her over when she was in her tree pose. For forty minutes they found themselves giggling at the back of the group like naughty school children, the constant dread of academia the last thing on either of their minds.

 

Laying flat on their backs for the final relaxation stage of the class Penny listened to the deep balanced breaths Rafael expelled into the air. Turning her head to the side she snuck a quick peak while his eyes were closed. She watched the rise and fall of his chest and studied the vein that led up his smooth, tan bicep and under the dark sleeve of his faded Les Mis t-shirt. His jaw was no longer tense and the rigid creases between his blonde-flecked eyebrows had disappeared. A satisfied smile graced her face.

 

 

 

Penny basked in the deep contented exhale that left Rafael’s body as they made their way back to their academic responsibilities. Elated to have achieved her goal she prodded her finger into his ribs to tease him.

“Feeling nice and relaxed now?”

 

His slender body convulsed and folded as the tips of her fingers grazed his middle and the boyish yelps he released caused Remy to glance up at his owner.

“I’m glad you dragged me outside, it really helped. And we haven’t hung out in a while…”

 

Crossing onto Waterhouse Street Penny mindlessly toyed with the frayed end of Remy’s leash.

 

“Yeah, that’s my fault. I’ve picked up another job,” she revealed. “It’s quite unconventional but now I can make rent _and_ eat food approved for human consumption soo…”

 

“What about your course work?”

 

She quickly nodded, “It’s basically a call centre so I can study while I’m on the phone.”

 

“You selling cable subscriptions?” Rafael joked as he quickly sidestepped a rotting banana peel squashed into the pavement.

 

Penny shook her head, “not quite.”

 

Rafael slowed his pace and squared his gaze on his friend, when his left eyebrow flicked upwards she bit back a sly grin. Feeling loose and emboldened Penny decided to offer him a sneak preview of her work.

 

She moaned softly causing Rafael to do a double take and then moaned again, a little louder before releasing a sultry ‘ooh’ into the otherwise quiet street. A rosy blush crept up from underneath Rafael’s collar to his cheeks and she took that as an invitation to continue her breathy pants and squeals.

 

“No way,” the shock was clear in his expression.

 

Covering her face in her hands she laughed at her ridiculous new job. When she peaked between her fingers Rafael was still staring at her, his eyebrow raised awaiting explanation.

 

“It’s actually a pretty good gig, I read three chapters last night in between callers!”

 

“I must say, you are a fascinating girl,” he laughed. “Full of surprises.”

 

With their buildings in sight they rounded the corner and she continued describing her work to her fascinated friend. As she mimicked herself in the throws of phony passion she noticed someone leaning on the rail at the top of the steps of Rafael’s building. There was an overnight bag set at her sandal-clad feet and Penny eyed the crimson toenails poking out before roaming her eyes upwards and over the mysterious young woman. She was svelte and chic and devastating, the kind of woman God intended to have captured on canvas and adored for centuries.

 

“Yelina!” Rafael’s excited holler caused Penny to jump and he left her on the footpath as he leapt up the steps to embrace the stranger. Penny watched as his large hands held the woman’s waist and his lips found hers.

 

_Yelina. This_ was Yelina. _His_ Yelina. And she just witnessed Penny make obnoxious sex noises at her boyfriend. Penny spied the storm drain in the road six feet from where she stood and considered ripping off the manhole cover and jumping in, living the next few years underground couldn’t be any worse than her current reality.

 

With an unexpected keenness Rafael grabbed Yelina’s hand and lead her down the steps to where she was standing awkwardly, her hands still holding Remy’s leash.

 

“Pen, this is my girlfriend, Yelina,” he bounced. “Querida, this is Penny.”

 

Penny greeted the woman with a simple ‘hello’ and then, to her increasing mortification, threw in some finger guns instead of a simple, normal, human wave. The scrutiny with which Yelina’s chestnut brown eyes studied her did nothing to settle her rising discomfort and she honestly didn’t know whether she wanted to kiss the woman or punch her square in the throat.

 

“I thought I’d come early to surprise you,” she turned her attention to Rafael, hardly acknowledging Penny.

 

Even her voice was gorgeous, Penny thought as she stared at the young lady glued to Rafael’s side. She released a nervous cough and ran her fingers through her messy hair; suddenly upset she hadn’t washed it, curled it and set it in some sort of pristine style. From her dark neglected roots down to the worn rubber soles of her flip-flops the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy consumed her and she hastily excused herself from the awkward threesome.

 

“Well, that paper isn’t gonna write itself. I’ll leave you two alone.”

 

Taking off towards her building she felt herself being pulled back in the direction of the maddeningly stunning couple and was forced to backtrack once she realised she was still attached to the Labrador. Remy’s brown eyes flicked up at her; appearing bored with her peculiar shenanigans. Now even the dog thought she was weird.

 

Blushing, she strolled back and handed the leash to Rafael.

 

“I think this is yours.”

 

 

\---

 

 

Penny scurried around her cramped living room simultaneously eating her corn flakes and dressing herself for work. The clock next to the fridge told her it was 8.45 though she’d purposefully set it ten minutes fast. Keeping time wasn’t her greatest asset and she employed any tactic that would deter her tardiness.

 

She was struggling with her wardrobe - to jacket or not to jacket she ruminated before finally meandering to the window to check the weather for herself instead of relying on the radio report. Laying her cheek against the cool glass she peered skywards and noted the heavy grey clouds. Definitely jacket weather.

 

It was only as she moved her face away from the window, the tip of her nose scraping along the frosty glass, that she noticed her. Yelina was lying against the navy sheets of Rafael’s bed. Her rich dark waves were spilled over the pillows and Penny imagined artists would give their lives to capture something so striking in oils. Just as she shovelled the last spoonful of her soggy cereal into her gaping mouth she spotted Rafael’s feet hanging out from the bottom of the bed and the rhythmic, undulating mass of his head underneath the sheet.

 

Realising what she was witnessing she choked on the flaky remains in her mouth and forcefully shut the heavy sheets she used for curtains, promptly running across the room as far away from the window as possible. Dumping the bowl in the sink she grabbed her bag and fled her apartment, silently berating herself for watching her friend and his lover in such an intimate moment.

 

It was only once she was on the bus toward the museum that she realised she’d left her jacket draped over the back of the couch and she smacked herself on the forehead in frustration. Not only was she now technically a creepy voyeur but she was going to freeze later when the wind picked up. As she frantically chewed her last stick of spearmint gum Penny tried to erase the image of what she’d seen and proceeded to push away any and all thoughts of Rafael Barba’s mouth, which up until that morning had been nothing but a source of quick witted remarks and retorts.

 

Penny successfully avoided him for a week after that morning though the memory, and the strange feeling it stirred inside of her, took a lot longer to fade.

 

 

 


	2. 1994 - 1995

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos! Always appreciated.
> 
> Cheers

 

 

**1994 - 1995**

 

 

Summer

 

Before even hearing the quiet defeat lacing his voice Penny knew Rafael’s day had been particularly vexing. His navy tie was wayward and his white dress shirt spilled out from its place at his belt, those usually vibrant green eyes were hooded and dark. His was the air of a man ten years into a legal career, not ten days into an internship.

 

The body of the telephone was cradled in his hand against his left hip and he held the receiver close to his face. The proximity of their bodies at their respective windows meant if they were to each slide open the glass between them they could carry on their conversation without the cost to the phone company, though the time was somewhere after midnight and their neighbours probably wouldn’t appreciate the noise.

 

Leaning her head against the glass she listened as he detailed the ins and outs of his day. Rafael’s voice grew low as he explained the partners using him as their personal whipping boy, one in particular who enjoyed continuously humiliating him by mispronouncing his name. He told her about the visiting defence attorney that spilled coffee over his suit pants and he sighed when he realised he only had two decent suits and now he was down to one.

 

“All I’ve done is make copies and deliver coffee. The only thing I’ve learnt is that this is _not_ the type of firm I want to build my career in.”

 

She watched him brush his hand through his thick hair and heard a defeated sigh flow out of the receiver.

“Yelina’s mad I decided to stay here for the summer. Sometimes I think she doesn’t understand how important this is to me.”

 

Rafael’s voice had grown so quiet Penny strained to hear him. No longer looking at her through the glass, he instead sandwiched the receiver between his head and shoulder and fiddled with the switch of his portable fan.

 

A long, heavy silence fell between them punctuated by the dry heat in the air. Penny mulled over any and every conciliating platitude she could find, though none seemed deserving enough for her friend. He needed more than a few hackneyed words of sympathy or encouragement.

 

“I haven’t even had a chance to use your gift yet,” he finally broke their silence.

 

Rafael was looking up at her again and he quickly opened up his suit jacket so she could glimpse the gold Parker pen resting in the inside pocket. The same one she had gifted him the Sunday before his internship began; the gift that had cost her roughly the equivalent to a months groceries. It was worth it for the momentary hitch in his voice when he’d thanked her.

 

“I thought I’d be doing research, maybe look into past cases and collating notes…” he drifted off again as the frustration built and then subsided like a wave breaking on a shoreline.

 

“Hey,” she said. “One day you’ll write case winning notes with that thing, you’re going to change people’s lives with the stroke of that pen. Sounds like the ink would be wasted on these assholes.”

 

A faint smile graced his exhausted face and Penny counted it as a small victory, though she knew she could do better.

“You know what?” she huffed as she moved to her CD player to find the right track. “Fuck that noise!”

 

Laying the receiver next to the speaker she pressed play, grabbed her favourite hat from its stand and skipped back to the window where her perplexed friend stood listening to the swell of strings and brass of a familiar show tune.

 

_Don’t tell me not to live, just sit and putter_

_Life’s candy and the suns a ball of butter,_

_Don’t bring around a cloud to rain on my parade._

 

Penny went about miming and dancing with dramatic flourish as Barbra Streisand’s voice boomed from the speaker, encouraged by the wide grin worn by her friend. She didn’t miss a word as she threw in some of her best dance moves for the performance; her showgirl kicks and jazz hands caused Rafael to crane his head backwards with laughter and Penny’s heart swelled at the sight of his scrunched nose and squinting eyes.

 

_I'm gonna live and live now  
_

_Get what I want, I know how.  
_

 

She twirled herself around the bed sheets hanging as curtains.

 

_Get ready for me love, cause I'm a 'comer'_

_I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer_

_Nobody, no nobody, is gonna rain on my parade._

 

She finished with her arms in the air, in her best diva pose, panting from the exertion. There was a pounding from the wall to her left, someone wasn’t impressed with her routine but Rafael’s smile was broad and he was clapping, the receiver once again snug between his shoulder and cheek. Mission accomplished she thought as another harsh thump shook the framed posters on her wall.  
 

 

Fall Term 

 

The fast click of the shutter disturbed the otherwise peaceful silence of Penny’s little apartment and he waited for her to look over her glasses at him in annoyance. He was perched on the arm of her two-seater couch, spying the world through the lens of the camera. While his attention was occupied with the lens settings her green highlighter clocked him on the side of his head, just above his ear.

 

“I invited you here for coffee and study, not to harass me with your camera,” she glared.

 

“You’re always telling me I need hobbies that’ll help me relax and this one is turning out to be quite fruitful,” Rafael grinned as he looked through the focus to snap another candid of his friend.

 

Penny grabbed her textbook and hid inside its pages. “I don’t recall saying you had to involve me in these hobbies. Go photograph Remy.”

 

The Labrador was curled up at Rafael’s feet, completely disinterested in the activity around him. He’d taken some decent photos of the dog in the last week, some in his own apartment of Remy curled up napping and a few during their afternoon play in the park.

 

“He’s always posing,” Rafael teased, leaning down to offer a few loving scratches behind the dog’s ear. “He never gives me anything natural.”

 

Penny’s laugh was soft and sweet and he snapped one more as she chuckled, careful to capture the joyful crinkle at her eyes. A moment later she was back to hiding in her book and diligently notating something in pencil. Taking a cushion from the couch Rafael sat down at the coffee table opposite Penny and inspected the cover of the Modern Architecture book holding her attention. He gently teased the book from her hands and slid it across the coffee table out of her reach.

 

“Why don’t you snap your honey instead? She was born to be photographed,” Penny mused, propping her elbow on the buffed surface of the wood and leaning her chin on her fist.

 

His eyes rolled involuntarily and he quickly wound the film in preparation for his next shot, “firstly, she’s not here.”

Peering through the focus he surveyed her while she tried to ignore him and he took his time examining the tiny freckles brushed across her cheeks, her long dark eyelashes and the perfect bow of her lips. Quickly he snapped another portrait before she could stop him. “And secondly, you’re an excellent subject; I’m capturing your enigmatic spirit right now.”

 

Penny shook her head slowly.

“You’re full of secrets, I can just tell. Have you ever committed a crime?”

 

He noticed her eyes narrow and a wicked smile grace her features. He really was curious about her; she was devilish but sweet, every facet of her personality was met with incongruence and it left him constantly guessing but always enamoured.

 

“I’m bad to the bone, baby,” she smirked. “I was four, in a craft store with my mother. I stole a gold embossed button and was so wracked with guilt I made my mom take me back so I could return it. How about you?”

 

Rafael quickly shook his head, grinning widely, “What kind of attorney would I be if I had a checked past?”

 

“Booo!” she hissed, giving him a thumbs down gesture.

 

Through his chuckling he pressed for another admission, “Your first kiss?”

 

Hey eyebrows furrowed and she squinted as she recalled the memory. This, Rafael was strangely intrigued to know.

 

“Curtis Sampson, 1985, on a school trip to the Air and Space Museum. We broke up once we got back to Rockingham a week later,” she smiled.

 

“Couldn’t sustain the romance back in the real world?” Rafael teased.

 

She sighed longingly as she gazed off into the distance behind him, and in a wistful voice answered “No but we’ll always have the Apollo exhibit. And you sir or is that classified information too?”

 

“Bobby Perez,” Rafael smirked. “Also in ’85, August.” They’d ridden their low-riders through the streets and he could still remember the warm sun streaming down from above, heating his already flushed skin.

“On the steps of the cottage in Poe Park.”

 

“Was it romantic?” Penny asked dreamily.

 

His head nodded and he felt himself blush, it’d been so long since he’d thought about that afternoon back in the Bronx. “I was nervous and his lips were sticky from the ice-cream we’d eaten.”

 

Penny reached towards the Canon camera and turned it on her friend, hastily capturing him in his reminiscent state.

 

“Where’d you get this thing anyway?” She asked as she set it down between them.

 

“From the Fine Arts School. There’s a guy there I tutor – I teach him Spanish and he loans me a camera and time in the dark room.”

 

Her eyes squinted as she considered his response. “Where do you find the time?”

 

“Coffee finds me the time.”

 

Releasing an exacerbated huff into the air she took her book back and continued making her notes. Rafael followed suit, fishing through his backpack for his notepad and Criminal Law textbook.

 

When Rafael was a few pages into the chapter she broke the silence, “so you like to take photos and perv on people through your bedroom window. I hope I’m Grace Kelly in this scenario and not the chick who gets murdered.”

 

She never once looked up from her book and Rafael chuckled at her analogy. He thought she was prettier than Grace Kelly and when he developed his photos he’d prove it to her.

 

 

\---

 

 

The message was short and sweet though that didn’t stop Rafael from rewinding and playing it three times over.

 

_Something came up so I’m not coming this weekend. Te amo._

He had hoped for something more, the smallest clue as to why he sat at the Amtrak station for an hour and a half searching for her face. With a huff he kicked the table leg at his feet causing Remy to jolt to attention from his comfy beanbag in the corner. He quickly shrugged on his charcoal coat and pulled his read and blue checked scarf around his neck; it was still early and perhaps the evening could be salvaged.

 

Without money for bars or clubs Rafael’s Friday night options were always scarce and as his boots crunched atop the thick snow on the footpath he found himself fishing out from his pocket a slip of paper containing the address of a nearby Christmas party Penny had pinned to his door that morning. The medical students were celebrating early and his friend had somehow wrangled her way into the inner circle of a few aspiring physicians. While he didn’t particularly fancy spending his evening with the entitled and elite he hoped he could find a dimly lit corner to occupy him and his equally hazy thoughts. Of course he’d share that tiny space with Penny who could possibly shed some light on the vague message left on his machine, perhaps a feminine perspective was what he required.

 

What he didn’t need upon walking through the busy first floor of the share house on Bowdoin Street was to find his friend cuddled up to a tall, strapping medical student whose lips appeared to be glued to the porcelain skin beneath her ear. Rafael watched from the other side of the room as she sipped her beer and he spied what looked to be a stethoscope around her neck. The air was heavy and he suddenly felt too hot underneath his layers; there was alcohol on everyone’s breath and the faint odour of pot wafted from a room to his right.

 

He kept his eyes trained on the pair as Ice Cube somehow transitioned into Tag Team and Rafael couldn’t hear anything except the crowd repeat ‘Whoomp there it is’ repeatedly.

 

The earpieces of the stethoscope had moved their way into her ears and the tall student was running the diaphragm piece over the soft skin exposed by her turquoise V-neck coming to rest at the dip of her cleavage. Rafael’s fist tightened at his side and he could only imagine the cheesy line he was whispering to her, _‘How about you listen to your heart and come upstairs with me?’_

 

“Outta the way, Scholarship!” someone carrying two cases of beer yelled as they tried to pass him.

 

Rafael stepped back to let the burly stranger through, bumping a nearby lamp as he squeezed past. He looked back to witness Penny’s flawless ruby lips locked with the skeazy student, her fingers tracing over his neatly cropped hairline. Edging closer to the pair his attention was momentarily stolen by a young man, close to his own age. He was wearing reindeer antlers with a sprig of mistletoe dangling from the furry horns above, an invitation for strange lips to grace his own. He shot a flirty grin to Rafael who returned a polite nod before continuing through the crowd unsure of his intentions once he reached his friend.

 

Rafael hadn’t made it halfway to his destination when his next move seemed to be decided for him. Rafael caught the eye of the unfamiliar student captivating his friend’s attention and watched as he whispered something into Penny’s ear. Her bubbly exterior quickly faded and her hands, previously draped around his neck, were forcefully pushing him away from her. Her eyes were fiery and she was growling something close to his face; the way her lips curled and twisted Rafael was certain she’d told him to ‘get fucked.’

 

Rafael watched as she tried to slide past his broad frame though he quickly crowded her against the wall and the sight of the stranger’s white-knuckled grip around her upper arm made Rafael’s jaw clench. He felt himself rapidly approaching the pair through the throng of partygoers, his fury propelling him forward until he was standing directly behind the blonde student.

 

His left hand gripped the stranger’s muscular shoulder and pulled him away from Penny while his right fist connected with his chiselled jaw. His heartbeat was thundering like a jackhammer in his ears and he could feel the adrenaline coursing through his veins. Ignoring the pain searing through his hand Rafael turned on his heel to retreat back the way he’d come, through the crowd and thumping bass line, his feet scuffing discarded glass bottles as he strode out the front door and into the street all the while clutching Penny’s cool hand in his.

 

It was only when he felt himself being tugged backward that Rafael slowed his pace and oriented himself; he was walking in the road, the wet, slick bitumen glistening from the streetlights overhead. Penny’s hand was wrapped around his wrist, the other still locked in his own.

 

“Raf, wait a minute,” she was panting.

 

Rafael stopped completely and Penny stumbled into his back. Immediately she took his other hand, his weapon, and inspected it. Now the pain seared his knuckles; he could feel it now as the adrenaline dissipated. He watched her as she inspected the bright red skin. She was wearing her heavy coat and he couldn’t recall when or how she had put it on, his mind was still trying to play catch-up.

 

“I’ve only ever been on the receiving end,” he whispered as Penny gently dabbed ice along his knuckles, his words forming an icy fog as they left his mouth.

“Are you okay?” he moved to tenderly touch her arm where her assailant had grabbed. She offered him a meek nod in return. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold and her eyes were teary.

 

“What did he say to you?” Rafael dipped his head lower, forcing her to look him in the eye.

 

With pursed lips she shook her head, “I won’t repeat it.”

 

He noted the way her voice cracked, a sob threatening to burst if she spoke any further and she began walking down the road toward home. He could only imagine the words that had left his lips, seething and hateful as they entered her ear; he’d noted the way the medical student had looked him up and down and knew whatever was said was no different from the cutting whispers his classmates offered behind his back, in the Law Library or at the dining hall.

 

“Pen, c’mon,” he jogged after her, his tone jocular when he added, “I need to know whether I have to go back there and punch him again.”

 

“You’re not a brute, Rafael Barba.”

 

They travelled wordlessly in-step through the white-covered courtyard to the front door of Penny’s building. Standing at the foot of the stoop she turned to face him and he felt her deftly tug and straighten his scarf. He could smell the cheap beer on her breath as she inspected him; her slender fingers toying with the dark plastic buttons of his coat.

 

“I’m sorry you had to get involved,” her voice was soft. “I’m so sorry you had to do that.”

 

Her usually animated hazel eyes were flecked with sadness and her mascara had smudged. The pain in his hand and the inevitable ramification of his violence no longer seemed relevant when he noticed the disappointment in her expression.

 

“I hate that had you not been there I probably would have…” she stopped herself and shut her eyes tight. When she opened them again she looked ashamed and Rafael enveloped her tightly within his arms, squeezing firmer when he heard a faint sniff.

 

She unwrapped herself from his hug and boosted herself higher on her toes, planting her hands firmly on his shoulders for purchase.

“Thank you, Rafael,” her lips missed his cheek and settled at the corner of his mouth, at his smile line, and her nose grazed the side of his.

 

Bringing his hands upwards to cup her face Rafael inched himself higher to drop a small kiss on her forehead, the skin cold from the icy night air. He ran his fingers through her silky hair and breathed in the freesia scent of her shampoo.

"Get some sleep, Pen," his lips brushed against her skin and he released her, gently guiding her toward the front door of her building.

 

Spring Term

 

“I cannot wait ‘til this term is finished,” Rafael sighed as he sat himself down at the only unoccupied seat in the campus Starbucks. He draped his backpack over the back of the chair and broke off a corner of Penny’s chocolate brownie with an unapologetic smile. Her annoyed glare seemed to do nothing to deter Rafael from then stealing a sip of her coffee.

 

Slapping his hand away from what was left of her sweet treat Penny capped her highlighter; “you have plans for break, that doesn’t sound like you at all?”

 

Rafael shrugged, “Not really, I’m just exhausted. Though Yelina and Alex are picking me up after my exams to take me home for a couple of weeks.”

 

A familiar face walked into the coffee shop and Penny offered a quick wave before returning her attention to her friend. “Alex – he’s the one whose going to change the world?”

 

“Something like that,” the pinched expression he wore didn't go unnoticed.

 

“Maybe when exams are over the four of us could go out and celebrate? I’d like to get to know Yelina better and meet the incredible Alex Munoz.” Penny teased, “I think I’d make an excellent politicians wife, don’t you?”

 

She noted his whole demeanour shift and the way he nervously rubbed at the back of his neck. “I don’t think that’d be a good idea, Pen,” he whispered.

 

Confusion marred her impish features and she removed her reading glasses, tucking them into their usual spot at her collar. “You said yourself he’s smart and charming, what am I missing here? I’m single and you’re stifling my chance to mingle.”

 

Slowly he spoke again though Penny knew he was choosing his words wisely.

“I just… don’t think that you two would… hit it off.”

 

“Because?” she stretched out the question and when Rafael didn’t reply she chose to fill in the blank with her own assumptions.

 

“Because he’s intelligent and driven and I’m flaky and unfocused? Because he works for the city and I quote bad porn dialogue into a phone for hours? Or because he wants to help New Yorkers and I want to talk about pretty pictures all day?”

 

Still he remained silent and Penny felt herself grow increasingly more upset with every passing second. As he stared blankly at the coffee cup in front of him she quickly packed her books and pens into her tote bag, her frustration palpable and radiating with every abrupt movement.

 

“I’m glad I know where we stand, Rafael. I’m just the ‘filler friend’ until you can go home to your real ones. The last thing you’d want is for those two worlds to collide, for me to _embarrass_ you.”

 

His head shot up at the accusation and he leaned forward to speak, his mouth poised to expel something she wasn’t interested in hearing. Before he could speak she snatched her coffee cup away from his hands and as the tears brimmed at her eyes she hissed, low and irate, “buy your own fucking coffee and quit drinking mine, people think we’re together.”

 

She turned on her heel and weaved around the other students toward the door, ignoring the sound of Rafael’s protest behind her.

 

 

 

_PLEASE TALK TO ME._

 

The yellow ruled paper taped to his bedroom window caught her eye as she fanatically swept and dusted her apartment in frustration. She carefully moved closer to the glass to read the message he'd written in thick black sharpie, careful to stay invisible through the slightly parted curtains.

 

Her heart hurt as she drew the curtains completely and settled herself onto the couch. When her telephone rang she raised the volume on her television, the noise of the Pepsi commercial pounding in her ears. The chime of the phone stopped and started again and she suffered through the noise of another equally droll ad until Seinfeld graced her screen. The ringing immediately stopped as the show began.

 

At the commercial break the ringing started again only to stop when the familiar set of her favourite sitcom returned. Ten minutes later, during the next set of commercials, he called her again and tears welled at the corner of her eyes. ‘That thoughtful asshole,’ she thought. ‘He knows I hate missing the jokes.’

 

 

\----

 

Penny’s arms throbbed from toting her bag of thick textbooks back from the campus library, and crossing onto Concord Avenue she breathed a sigh of relief knowing it wouldn’t be long until she could finally put the heavy load down and rest. She desperately needed to focus on her upper body strength after the term had finished.

 

As she neared her home a constant, anxious bark filled the air. Approaching Rafael’s building the commotion grew louder. The source was locked out on the narrow fire escape; Remy was stranded outside Rafael’s apartment barking madly into the window.

“Remy, baby!” Penny called from the street, looking upwards and whistling to gain his attention. “Why’re you outside? Where’s your daddy, huh?”

 

Although she hadn’t spoken to him since her unceremonious exit a fortnight ago she knew he would be in exam-mode. She also knew that would be no excuse to banish his best friend to the fire escape.

 

She climbed up her stairs with newfound vigour and quickly unlocked her door and dumped her books on the floor immediately making her way to the window. Pulling the curtains back she could still hear Remy’s fretful barks and whimpers. Penny found herself staring at Yelina’s bare back, mesmerised as it rocked forward and back; her dark hair falling softly around her shoulders, her head flung backwards in pleasure.

 

Penny was certain the final law exam was scheduled for today, that minute to be precise, and unless Rafael had undergone a complete personality shift in the last fourteen days it was not like him to blow off a major exam, not even for the mutually enjoyable experience currently taking place before her eyes. She quickly realised the hands that gripped the young woman’s waist were different to those of her friends; they were darker, the fingers stubbier. Feeling increasingly grimy with each second she continued to stare she watched in puzzlement as Yelina was flipped onto her back and the stubby-fingered man who was previously beneath her crawled over her slender body.

 

A wracked gasp emanated from her lungs and she quickly flung her curtains closed. Panicked she paced the small space of her living room, covering her face with her hands while she processed what she’d witnessed.

“Fuuuck.”


	3. 1995 - 1996

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the wonderful comments and kudos!
> 
> Translations are at the bottom of the page and courtesy of Google Translate.
> 
>  
> 
> Cheers!

 

 

**1995-1996**

Summer

 

Penny scanned the aisles of the family-owned corner grocery for something to satisfy her sweet tooth and came to a halt at the shelves containing a vast assortment of candy bars. The jaunty jingle of the bell above the entrance sounded as her hand came to land on a Three Musketeers bar and she absently turned toward the entry whilst dropping the bar into the basket at her hip.

 

She had wanted nothing more than to return home for the summer, to sleep in her childhood bedroom and wallow in the comfort and security that only her mother could provide. Instead she was forced to forego her much-needed creature comforts for Harvard’s summer school program to atone for the sins of her previous term. ‘Academic Probation’ – the phrase made her heave and she continually berated herself for being so careless.

 

As she found the refrigerated section to procure a pint of milk she spotted Yelina standing one aisle over inspecting the assortment of pretzels. Penny’s hand tightened around the plastic bottle as she watched her wander down the aisle a mere ten feet away.

 

She hadn’t spoken to Rafael since their fight and had successfully avoided him since she spied Yelina, and who she later learned was Alex, through her window. It hadn’t taken much effort on her part to evade him; she’d watched the three of them, plus dear Remy, drive off back to New York the morning after her voyeuristic revelation.

 

Straightening her shoulders Penny made her way across the shop towards Yelina, her long strides confident and purposeful. The young woman was wearing flip flops and Penny spied the same crimson toenails as before, though this time she wasn’t awed by her flawless beauty instead wholly repulsed by the ugliness at her core.

 

“Yelina, hey!” Penny smiled tightly as she sidled up beside her at the fresh produce section, picking up a mango to gently place in her basket.

 

Yelina squinted in response to Penny’s familiarity and silently trailed her gaze over her. She forced herself not to blush; her plaid shorts and Mickey Mouse t-shirt were particularly slovenly compared to Yelina’s short denim skirt and crisp white blouse. She wondered how it was Yelina only ever witnessed her wearing her lazy mismatched attire and grew increasingly frustrated at the thought.

 

“You’re visiting Rafael?” Penny soldiered through her contempt to appear cordial.

 

Yelina’s dainty fingers plucked a shiny red apple from the fruit stand and she rubbed it against the material of her blouse. “For the rest of the week,” she hummed as she placed the fruit in her own basket and moved away from Penny.

 

It made sense Rafael wouldn’t spend the entire summer in New York, not when there were internships to be had and experience to gain. She remembered him expressing a keen interest in a judicial internship at the Boston Municipal Court. Penny wondered whether Yelina would have any idea where her boyfriend was working.

 

Intent on keeping an air of civility despite the ire coursing through her Penny nodded sweetly and the two danced around the produce section of the small grocery store, poking and prodding the food on display. How desperately Penny wanted to scramble over the table and slap the pretty smile off of Yelina’s face. Keeping her hand firm on the edge of the table she anchored herself down before lobbing a saccharine grin toward her foe instead.

 

“It must get pretty boring for you here while Rafael’s working so hard. I guess that’s why you fuck guys in his bed while he’s out."

 

The speed in which Yelina’s head snapped upwards was so lightening fast Penny worried she’d suffer whiplash just watching. Yelina’s perfectly sculpted eyebrows furrowed to create a vertical crease in between and if looks could kill, Penny would be in a body bag being driven to the coroner’s office. Despite the fury fuelling her opposition’s expression, Penny stood tall and aimed her piercing glare across the mound of avocados into Yelina’s seething chestnut stare. She remained silent and Penny wondered whether hers was a plan of attrition.

 

“He deserves better.” Unperturbed by the gentleman at her side reaching across for a 99cent stone fruit, Penny continued, “why even come here when you could stay in New York with Alex?”

 

Yelina’s stormy features remained steadfast as she made her way to the checkout. Without an ounce of decorum Penny strode after her, not at all finished with the conversation and no longer able to control her anger.

 

The store owner Jacob, a tall greying gentle giant, stood behind the till and greeted Yelina with a warm ‘hello’ to which Penny rolled her eyes.

 

Finally her opponent responded, her tone clipped and low, “you don’t know my business.”

 

“Perhaps not, though I doubt Rafael does either,” Penny shot back as she irritably snatched four packets of Juicy Fruit from a stand at the counter and threw them into her basket. Apparently bouts of severe anger brought out her desire for questionable-flavoured gum.

 

“If you don’t come clean and tell him, then I will. I won’t sit back and allow you and Alex to hurt him like this.”

 

Jacob bagged her groceries and placed the change in her delicate hand, all the while politely staying out of the agitated conversation occurring before him. Penny heaved her basket onto the counter and hurriedly passed each item for Jacob to scan.

 

Suddenly cross with herself for the number of contents she’d collected, Penny silently willed the clerk to scan and bag faster, intent to not let Yelina evade her. She busied herself by fishing the contents from the basket, intent on ignoring the pesky doubts gnawing away inside her; what did she really want from the young woman? Nothing could change what she had witnessed, what she knew to be a flagrant disregard for Rafael’s love and trust. Somewhere, hidden away inside her, she feared the ugly truth – she wanted Yelina to do the right thing and alleviate the burden weighing upon her own shoulders.

 

As Jacob scanned the last of her groceries Yelina laid her hand on the steel bar of the exit and with a decisively cruel tenor dismissed her. “Who is Rafi going to believe – the woman he adores or the one he tolerates?”

 

Penny gasped as the words struck her directly in the gut, instantly winding her. Any retorts she might have been saving were instantly lost and she was left beaten and weak, planted at the counter watching as Yelina sashayed away across the street. Avoiding Jacob’s stare, she took her change and slowly made her way to the exit, desperately trying to find her breath.

 

_Tolerates._

The barb continued to sting as it spun round and round in her mind; it burrowed its way into her brain like a malevolent tick and fed on her worst fears and doubts. Of course Yelina would know how Rafael truly felt, she shared his bed, knew his body and his most intimate thoughts.

 

Listlessly she made her way home; she couldn’t be bothered picking up her feet as they scuffed along the hot pavement and her shopping bags felt too heavy for her arms. She imagined the conversations that would have transpired between the lovers during the last two years. Under the covers, cloaked in the privacy of their embrace how had Rafael explained her to Yelina – was she just a loner, some uncouth weirdo to pity, someone to walk his dog while he was in class?

 

Did Rafael really think so little of her?

 

 

 

 

Fall Term

 

His tie felt too tight around his neck, as if it were pressing down on his windpipe and constricting his air source. He slid the cameo pink garment free from beneath his collar and balled it into his fist to stuff somewhere in his backpack. Rafael was collecting his notes from the mock trial as a firm hand gripped his shoulder; a congratulatory gesture from his adversary and the ensuing pat reverberated through his body and upwards to his skull to feed the building pressure in his head. It was only a matter of time before the valve would buckle and the eruption would commence.

 

He needed to get home.

 

Unable to bask in his victory the usually cocky grin he reserved for exceeding his classmates was noticeably absent from his face, instead he managed a slight nod to his second chair before making his way outside.

 

The glare was too harsh from the overcast sky and he was forced to navigate the quickest route off campus under a furrowed brow and hooded eyes. Tiny droplets of water pricked his face as the clouds began to burst and the low rumble of thunder sounded over the city. As the barometric pressure continued to drop he thought about his dear Abuelita who was afflicted with the same strange phenomenon.

 

 

 

There were only two ibuprofen capsules left in the bottle and Rafael swallowed them down though he knew the act was in vain. Ignoring Remy’s playful nips and nudges he crawled into his bed to hide beneath the dark solitude of the covers. Sleep was his only cure now.

 

With heavy eyes his thoughts became less frenetic and soon a distant nothingness filled his mind as he melted into his mattress. His final, hazy thought carried him away into sleep - maybe when he woke he wouldn’t be alone and Penny’s curtains wouldn’t be permanently drawn.

 

The shrill ring from his telephone in the next room caused him to jolt and he opened his eyes far too quickly, a sharp pain flashing across his temple at the disturbance. Rafael made no effort to answer the call and when the machine clicked over he buried his head further under his pillow to block out the sound of his mother’s affronted tone.

 

“Rafi,” Lucia Barba scolded and he sighed, only to find the very effort of breathing too much to bear.

“Qué estabas pensando? She was the best thing to happen to you. Dos meses! Dos meses and you didn’t tell me, I had to hear about it from her mother at church.” [1]

 

Drowning her out proved fruitless and so he waited for the tape to run out or the machine to cut her off. Nature was no match for Lucia Barba as her grumbling drowned out the thunder outside his window. Rafael didn’t need to hear how he’d inadvertently disappointed her. Nor did he wish to revisit the events that had led to Lucia’s frustration and his own heartbreak. She exhaled into the phone and he waited for her next thunderous remark.

 

“Alejandro will make her happy,” she quietly conceded before ordering him to return her call. The high-pitched beep after she hung up pierced the apartment and then faded, returning his home to silence though his mind was now teeming.

 

Rafael prided himself on his ability to compartmentalise his affairs and had successfully isolated his betrayal and heartbreak into a dark corner of his mind. Sometimes though, usually in the early hours of the morning, the thoughts returned. He remembered the four hour train trip home, watching as the dawn glow reflected off the buildings rushing past him and his knee jogged on the spot and his fingers toyed with the envelope tucked away in his jacket pocket. He could still recite passages written in the letter that he’d found slipped under his door, the blue biro smudged in places from her rushed left-handed scrawl.

_You are my dearest friend, Rafael Barba. I cannot watch idly as she handles your beautiful heart with such reckless abandon._

           

He recalled Yelina’s startled expression when he arrived on her doorstep and relived the way he brushed past her, rebuking the allure of her soft lips and caresses. His voice had stayed level as he questioned her like she were on trial and he remained stoic in the face of her tears. Then there was the journey home, another four hours, where he stared ahead at the empty seat in front of him and tried to stave off the sting in his nose and the tears threatening to spill down his cheeks.

 

Lucia had opened the door and now Rafael was tumbling through it, despite the throbbing pain clouding his head. He cast his memory further back still, seeking out every mention of Alex’s name and every conversation of which he was the subject and all Rafael could hear was the fondness that laced Yelina’s voice: _‘Alex took me to see Cats,’ ‘He really is going to change this city,’ ‘Did I tell you what Alex did?’_

 

Rafael wondered whether Yelina ever spoke about him the way she spoke of Alex. Hell, did _anyone_ ever speak of him with such affection and delight?

 

The sharp ringer of his phone chimed again rousing him from his melancholy thoughts. The machine clicked over and the tender tone of his Abuelita greeted him, competing against the pelting rain at his window.

 

“My sweet nieto, Rafael,” her sweet voice felt like a much-needed hug and he imagined himself at 8 years old curled up by her side, his head in her lap and her spindly fingers curling through his hair.  

 

“I’ll tell you what mi madre always told me, ‘El honor de una mujer consiste en la buena opinion que el mundo tiene de ella.’ This girl, she wasn’t the one for you and neither was he. Do your studies then come home for Christmas, be with your family.” [2]

A crack of thunder roared outside and Remy bounded into Rafael’s bedroom, the tags of his collar jingling over the top of his Abelulita’s message. He crawled underneath the bed and without moving his head even an inch; Rafael carefully swung one arm over the side of the bed to gently pet his frightened Labrador.

 

“Remember, Cariño. Un amor que puede durar para siempre toma solamente un segundo para venir alrededor.” [3]

 

The line cut out just as another bellow stung the sky outside and Rafael mulled over the words left on his machine. There was only one person he wanted to hear from and she hadn’t called him, hadn’t made any contact with him save for the letter left under his door. Her radio silence left a dull pang in his chest, far worse than the pain in his head.

 

 

 

 

Spring Term

 

The number of phone sex lines advertised in the local newspaper had left Rafael genuinely surprised, though in fairness he wasn’t sure what he should have expected. He eyed the adult broadsheet he’d bought out of the coin-operated rack on Van Ness Street (he’d been mindful to wander far away from the courthouse so to avoid speculation) and hoped he wouldn’t have to open its pages, finding almost a dozen different options in the Globe alone.

 

Having not seen Penny around campus for months, not even at the Art Museum when he’d visited, Rafael decided to take decisive action. He had heard about the academic probation from vague acquaintances at the arts campus and felt a horrible twinge of guilt for the role he had undoubtedly played.

 

He vowed to stay camped on his bed and call every number until he tracked her down. Looking up towards her window he frowned at the drawn curtains and wondered whether he was doing the right thing. She clearly didn’t want to see him and he’d respected her decision despite his recurrent urges to knock on her door.

 

None of the women he spoke to sounded like Penny though they tried to persuade him to keep talking by using all their best lines and promises.

“Good luck, Hun. I hope you find her,” one had wished after he’d explained the situation.

 

Crossing off another advert spruiking ‘the sexiest singles in your area’ Rafael shouldered the receiver and dialled the next hotline down the page. He nervously fiddled with his favourite gold pen as the line rung and he cleared his dry throat just as the call was picked up, missing the breathy greeting on the other end.

 

“Hello?” Rafael tried.

“Hey there, big boy.” The voice was low and raspy as it travelled down the line, “I’ve been waiting for you to call me.”

 

He closed his eyes as he concentrated on her voice and his reply was absentminded, “You have?”

 

A soft moan caressed his ear and she whispered, “I’ve got myself all hot and bothered thinkin’ about you. Can you help me with that, baby?”

 

Though it wasn’t her usually chipper tone, he recognised her native drawl. How he’d missed it and for the briefest of moments everything seemed normal again, as if they were standing at their windows chatting away into the wee hours of the morning.

 

“Mmm baby, I’m so wet just thinkin’ ‘bout your big, fat co-”

“Penny, whoa!” Rafael interrupted as his words tripped over themselves and stumbled from his mouth in a rushed panic. Collecting his thoughts and ignoring the brief throb inside his jeans he tried again, “Pen?”

 

“Rafael?” her voice was little more than a squeak and he smiled into the receiver, relieved to have finally found her.

 

“What’re you doing?” To Rafael’s relief her voice had returned to its usual, less-porny state.

 

“Looking for you. I called nine numbers before I got you, please note my phone records will probably be used against me when I’m a successful attorney.”

 

His joke was met with silence and he immediately feared she would terminate the call either from embarrassment or resentment. Quickly he continued before she could cut him off. “I miss you.”

 

Looking over at Remy, busy chewing a plush green frog Penny had gifted him, he bit his lip and continued slowly, “Remy misses you, too.”

 

He heard a faint sniff and waited patiently for her reply. Softly and drenched in sorrow she finally spoke and Rafael knew he’d run to wherever she was just to dab her tears away.

 

“How could you possibly forgive me?”

 

His head shook incessantly, wondering what terrible thoughts had been filling her mind and weighing on her conscience for the last handful months. He sought to tease out every last one of them and cast them away into the void.

 

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

 

“But you loved them,” she tentatively whispered, as if the mere mention of the couple would break his heart all over again. She didn’t give him a chance to answer before she spoke again.

 

“Rafael, I can’t…” her faint voice was trapped inside a wet sob and he felt his stomach drop along with his hopes. “It’s $4.25 a minute.”

 

 

\----

 

 

Rafael’s arms stretched and pulled as Remy soldiered forward through the dimly lit corridor. The canine’s excited sniffing and wagging propelled them both onward toward Penny’s door and Rafael wondered whether he’d have summoned the courage to visit had he not had Remy there to drag him. Clammy and nervous, he neared his destination and Remy’s busy nose pursued the sweet scent of the friend he’d missed.

 

He checked himself over one final time, careful to balance the coffee cup and leash in his right hand and he ran his free hand through his hair, keeping it off his forehead and straightened the collar of his navy shirt. Casting a quick glance at his feet he inspected the newly bathed and shiny canine and fiddled with the brand new matching navy collar at his neck. Readied and with a deep breath, he knocked twice on the dark wooden door and listened for the sound of footsteps. In his impatience, Remy swiped at the door with his left paw, his tough nails scraping along the pain.

 

The moment the door opened Remy barrelled forward to greet her and Rafael was forced to let go of the leash in order to keep himself upright. Penny was left with little choice but to respond to the loving onslaught and crouched down to pet and hug the excited dog. Rafael watched from the doorway as she scratched his tummy, his neck and that spot behind his ears.

 

“Hello, my baby,” Penny sang and Rafael looked on, envious of the affection.

 

Breathless and beaming, Penny finally looked up at him and he felt his features lift and pull as he matched her smile. Her honey locks were swept from her face in a messy bun and she had Remy’s slobber marks over her favourite denim overalls.

“Hey Raf,” she whispered as she stood back up.

 

He was struck with the urge to reach out and hug her, to wrap her up within him and never let go, though he remained awkward at an arms length. It had been almost a year since he had set foot in her apartment, since they’d spoken, since he’d found home within her affection. She hadn’t changed and her apartment looked the same, sparsely furnished with tatty second-hand furniture and the coffee table remained covered with books and pens. Maybe he could pretend everything was still the same.

 

Tentatively he closed the door and handed her the Starbucks cup and paper bag. He noticed the way her right eyebrow flicked when she took his offerings and after peering inside at the chocolate walnut brownie she asked, “You already finished yours?”

 

“I was hoping we could share.”

 

Rafael let the gesture linger and followed her to the cosy two-seater. She curled her legs under her bottom and turned to face him while her long finger traced the rim of the cup in her hands.

 

“How are you?” she finally spoke.

 

Slowly Rafael nodded his head, noticing the distinct lack of concern he’d received from anyone in the wake of his breakup. He inhaled deeply, mostly in irritation at the realisation and turned to face his friend. “I’m alright, just hurt.”

 

Before she could respond he gently laid his hand on her knee, the frayed denim tickled his palm and he carefully ran his thumb over the smooth exposed skin.

“Pen, I never thought you’d embarrass me and you were never once a substitute friend. I need you to know that.”

 

“So you weren’t just tolerating me?” She sounded distant and vague; as if she were thinking out loud and Rafael felt panicked, had he ever made her feel that way?

 

Hanging his head low, Rafael used his grip on her as an anchor to continue explaining himself. “My motivations for keeping you away from Alex were purely selfish. For once I wanted to be seen for what I am, not for what I’m not.”

 

At her puzzled expression he continued. “My entire life I’ve lived in the shadow of others; the literal, looming shadow of my father and his fists, and since grade school the shadow of Alejandro Muñoz. It was never enough to be smarter, not when he was so charismatic, so handsome and lovable.”

 

Penny’s face contorted and her eyebrows furrowed, softly she whispered, “Rafael, _you’re_ all those things.”

 

His head shook from side to side. “Alex is the son my mother wished for, the boyfriend Yelina wanted, the man I should be.”

 

The palm of Penny’s soft hand provided a warm comfort as she tenderly placed it over the back of his and she wrapped her fingers around his long ones. Her considered silence hung heavy in the air and Rafael felt suffocated beneath the weight of it. He couldn’t find the words to explain his strange habituation, not when he barely understood it himself. In addition to the usual ABCs, times tables and lessons in Stranger Danger, his childhood grooming was largely taught through the successes of his friend, the proverbial shining light of Jerome Avenue. Rafael’s own character and accomplishments were measured on the Alejandro Muñoz Scale of Excellence of which his entire community kept record.

 

 

“Do you know why I wear my father’s glasses, Rafael?” Penny finally asked, bringing him out of his quiet reverie.

 

Spying the vintage lenses tucked into her front denim pocket he forced himself to be droll and replied, “Because you’re a funky taste-maker?”

“It’s because Howard Cutler sought to see the good in people. He was the best man I’ve ever known,” her voice grew quite for a moment and he looked up from their tangled hands to watch her.

 

“I figured, if I can’t have him with me then I can at least try to see the world through his eyes. But I have to admit I’m really struggling here. Alex is not a decent man and he’s not a good friend.”

 

The familiar words found their way out of his mouth like a learned chorus before Rafael could stop them. “You don’t know him, Pen.”

 

“I don’t have to know him to see he’s a bad person.”

 

He noted the frustration in her voice and decided to not push the subject any further and so they were bathed in silence. He trained his attention to the framed print mounted on the wall in front of him, ‘The Kiss’, he remembered, by Klimt. Penny had explained it to him one drizzly afternoon after she’d picked it up at a flea market. He studied the intricate patterns in vibrant gold leaf and the flushed features of the woman curled up inside the embrace.

 

“How’re your studies?” he asked, needing to distance himself from the subject matter of Alex.

 

“If I don’t completely fuck up in the next few weeks then I can graduate,” she smiled brightly. “Do you have a plan, after graduation?”

 

“Move back to New York and pass the bar. Sell my soul in private practice; finally save some money, hone my skills and learn all the defence’s tricks. It’s not really where I want to be but I have to be realistic. Do you know the best part of my plan?”

 

A few strands of hair fell from her bun as she shook her head.

 

Mesmerised, he watched as she bit her lip and he traced his tongue over the same spot on his own dry lips. The quick flicker of her eyes downwards did not go unnoticed by him though she remained silent in her appraisal. Rafael slipped his hand away from their warm cocoon and brought it up to gingerly feather along her hairline and down the right side of her face, fingering the silky wisps of hair that had fallen free from their restraints. The flutter of her eyes matched that in his stomach and he took the moment to trail his fingertips down her throat to rest at the protrusion of her clavicle. Only the sound of her breath and Remy’s soft snoring at their feet filled their intimate space and the beat of her pulse tapped away at the pads of his fingers.

 

He’d remembered their conversations about the Met and the Guggenheim, and how desperately Penny wanted to visit them. “New York has some of the greatest art galleries in the world.”

 

Before his very eyes her peaceful expression changed; her lips pulled downwards into a faint frown and her eyebrows furrowed. Her troubled features inched closer to him as she pressed herself into his side and draped her arm over his body to rest a hand on his chest. It hadn’t escaped him how snugly her head fit beneath his chin and he let her breath caress the hollow of his throat.

 

Eventually she spoke, her words were quiet as they brushed past his shirt collar and Rafael feared them before they passed her lips. “I was offered a paid internship at the National Gallery. I accepted it this morning.”

 

By a mere matter of hours he was too late _._ His mind swarmed and his skin grew warm as he scorned himself for waiting, for not picking up the phone earlier, for walking past her building but never entering. The thought of his lovely friend making the decision, accepting the offer and thinking he didn’t care made his entire body feel like lead. He forced himself to swallow, his mouth feeling like it was filled with sand.

“How long?”

 

“A year.”

 

The sweet scent of her hair and the gentle tickle her long lashes against the sensitive skin of his throat consumed him and he coiled his arms tight around her frame to squeeze her closer to his body. He kept his eyes fixed ahead, trained on the content lovers framed before him. The familiar sting at the bridge of his nose twinged and he squeezed his eyes tight to ward off the warm, salty tears that were blurring his vision.

 

Soft and shier than he knew himself to be, he whispered, "“y así te espero como casa sola, y volverás a verme y habitarme.”

He left a light kiss on her forehead and then rested his cheek against the top of her head.

 

“De otro modo me duelen las ventanas.” [4]

 

 

 

 

 ----

 

 

 

[1] What were you thinking? Two months!

[2] A woman's honour consists in the good opinion the world has of her.

[3] A love that can last forever takes but a second to come about.

[4] ‘So I wait for you like a lonely house, till you will see me again and live in me. Till then my windows ache.’ [from Pablo Neruda’s Sonnet LXV]


	4. 1997

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some kind of epilogue - for those who wish to live unambiguously ever after.
> 
> Though it doesn’t fit the era, I wrote a lot of this whilst listening to Leslie Odom, Jr. – mostly 'Winter Song' and 'I Know That You Know' on repeat. If you haven’t heard them, do give them a listen. Stunning.
> 
>  
> 
> As always, thank you for the comments and kudos.

 

 

**1997**

 

 

 

Every carriage of the 5 train was packed, a tangle of limbs and briefcases spewed from the doors as they rocked open and Rafael let out a deep sigh before he joined the throng. He found himself sandwiched between a baseball-capped hoodlum and a tandem pram emitting shrill tandem screams and the proximity of bodies squeezed into the small space didn’t help his overall contempt for the day.

 

He hugged his leather satchel to his chest and spied the corner of a cream business card sticking out from the side pocket. With some effort he coaxed the card free with a dexterous finger and read the name and number scrawled on the back, _Rita Calhoun_. She was sharp featured and equally sharp tongued and she had subtly slipped him the card suggesting he call her. She had said she wanted to ‘show his rookie-ass the ropes’ though the way her eyes lingered on his backside suggested something less innocuous.

 

He slipped the card in the back pocket of the pram in front of him and avoided the eye of the frazzled woman cooing at its screaming occupants. He found himself staring above at a familiar gold-embellished masterpiece in an advertisement for the Met’s newest exhibition. Immediately he was taken back to Penny’s scrappy apartment in Cambridge over a year ago, staring at that very same Austrian painting hanging on the wall in front of him – how jealous he was of the two in their tender embrace. _Still jealous,_ he thought to himself over the rattle of tiny lungs and clunking of the carriage on its steel tracks. He remembered promising he’d wait for her and now he was still longing, aching for her to make a home with him, share his time, his bed and fill his space, his heart and his lungs.

 

Rafael wondered how many years of his life he would have to dedicate to the slick and shiny lawyer factory that was Briggs & Altman before he could afford himself an apartment with an elevator. Trudging up the dingy stairway toward the third floor shoebox he called home he tried to ignore the disturbingly large cockroach that scuttled past his right foot. The strong odour of grease, wood-fire and Parmesan filled his nostrils and while it wasn’t the _worst_ thing he’d ever smelled, he was finding it particularly tiresome after a whole year. Remy, on the other hand, was still quite taken with the prospect of living above a pizzeria and the smell of Tony’s Pizza and Italian would set his tail wagging from a block away.

 

 _It would do,_ that’s what he had told himself when he first moved in. Crown Heights was as far away from Jerome Avenue as his budget would allow and while his mother couldn’t understand why he didn’t return to his old room in their two-bedroom walk up he had secretly hoped when he signed the lease that he wouldn’t be living alone for long.

 

He leant his forehead against the chipped door as he fished his keys from the pocket of his grey suit. He was quite fond of the particular garment and saved it for important days when he was scheduled for court. Often he paired it with the Brooks Brothers tie and pocket square set Penny had gifted him for Christmas. The rich blue and purple paisley print complimented the faint blue fleck of the linen fabric and he had felt particularly sharp and invincible when he assembled the outfit that morning.

 

Thirteen hours later however he was teetering towards exhausted, between the July heat and the 6am start he had been dragging his feet since he hopped off the Subway at Sterling Street. A small, relieved sigh left his lips when he finally heard the familiar click of the key in the lock and the sluggish door swung open.

 

His relief quickly turned murky upon stepping through the threshold into the apartment. He was fairly certain he hadn’t left his radio on that morning so that couldn’t account for the soft murmuring coming from his living room. It was far more feasible that someone had picked his lock or climbed the fire escape and was making themselves at home amongst his things. How Remy would allow for such an intrusion he couldn’t fathom, unless of course Mrs Martinez from across the hall had taken him for one of their walks, which Rafael was usually grateful for given his less than pet-friendly work hours.

 

His pulse thrummed in his throat and rang in his ears as he edged softly towards the mumbling and he slid his keys between his fisted fingers. In the breath of a second the nauseating dread in his stomach transitioned into grateful surprise once he rounded the corner, and he hastily slid the keys back into his pocket. The quickened pace of his heartbeat continued beating against his ribcage at the sight of the scene before him; there she was sitting on his uncomfortable loveseat with Remy spread out on her lap, eyes closed and tail wagging lazily. She was wearing her favourite black bowler hat, the one Rafael doubted was ever really fashionable even back when she’d worn it that crisp autumn day in ’93. But she loved it and Rafael loved her.

 

She was reading from a well-worn Penguin paperback, the pages of which were thin and yellowing. He recalled seeing it at her flat back in Cambridge. Rafael stood in the doorway for a moment longer and listened to her read aloud, the sounds of her velvety voice like a symphony to his ears.

 

 _“I should like to bury something precious in every place where I've been happy and then, when I'm old and ugly and miserable, I could come back and dig it up and remember.”_ [1]

The floorboards below his feet creaked under his weight as he neared and she looked up and over her glasses, just like she had done that day under the tree in Harvard Yard. The slight crinkle around her eyes and the way her lips turned upwards coyly stopped him in his tracks and when she broke their silence to whisper softly, “Hi honey, I’m home,” Rafael thought he might just cry.

 

It seemed to him that she had made excellent use of the parcel he had sent her in February. The envelope addressed to her little row house in DC contained a crisp white Briggs & Altman business card with Rafael’s name printed neatly in the centre and ‘Attorney’ directly underneath. He had sent one to her and another two to his mother and Abuelita. The envelope also held various clippings from the Times for gallery and museum positions around Brooklyn and Manhattan. Most importantly however, was the freshly cut key to his apartment (he thought it best not to tell his landlord). He spied the key now on his coffee table in front of her; a bright yellow keychain attached to it.

 

Still stunned by her presence he carefully perched on the small wooden table to sit before her, knee-to-knee. Ensuring she wasn’t a cruel mirage created by his treacherous mind he reached forward to touch her leg. Just to his left he spied the suitcases and boxes she had brought with her, a surge of guilt hit him as he imagined her solo battle dragging them up the stairwell alone.

 

“How?” he asked, though he wasn’t sure which _how_ he was referring to. The last he had heard she was struggling with job prospects and was coming to terms with the idea of moving back to North Carolina.

 

Carefully she removed her glasses and flicked over the top corner of her page, “it would seem you’re quite the bad influence, Mr Barba.”

 

“How so?” he smiled, now giddy with the knowledge that she and her belongings were in his apartment.

 

“I’m here in an unfamiliar city without a job or financial security, all because of a cute boy. My mother is simply beside herself with worry.” The last part of her revelation was dripping with southern belle charm and Rafael chuckled, even blushing a little at the notion of being called ‘cute.’

 

“You think I’m cute?” he teased, his voice raised as he flirted and moved his thumb to trace circles over her exposed knee.

 

Much to Remy’s annoyance Penny leaned forward to lace her arms around Rafael’s neck, the slight weight of them another sign of her very real existence before him. Giving up on the comfort of her lap the Labrador rolled off of her and sought out his beanbag on the other side of the coffee table. Now free, she scooted to the very edge of the cushion so her knees were tucked in between Rafael’s thighs and gently she swept the tip of her nose over his.

 

“The cutest.”

 

 

 

Careful not to wake her, Rafael timidly brushed his lips over the birthmark on her left shoulder blade. _Norway_ , he had thought. The small misshapen stain had a certain Scandinavian shape to it and though he would have to consult his atlas to be completely sure he wasn’t about to crawl out of their warm cocoon to check. It was another inimitable piece of her he had discovered and gladly catalogued in his memory next to the bumpy pink scar between two of her left ribs (the traces of a spontaneous pneumothorax, she had casually explained) and the small strawberry mark that emerged from the short wiry curls beneath her underwear.

 

It was almost 9pm according to the bright red shapes on his clock radio and Rafael had little desire to leave his bed. The feeling of contentment washed over him where he laid, naked and drowsy from their lovemaking. His suit was discarded in pieces on the floor below him, her floral t-shirt dress and hat mixed into the strewn tangle. Remy would need to be walked soon and he hadn’t eaten since the bagel he’d inhaled at his desk at midday. He imagined Penny must have an appetite; he remembered Amtrak’s lunch selection to be not particularly bearable.

 

While she slept soundly next to him he traced his mind back to the day he left Cambridge. With his belongings packed and his ticket safe in his back pocket he’d hugged her tight, kissed her forehead and told her he loved her. Looking up at him with her affection-flecked eyes she’d swept his hair away from his own and then cupped his stubbly cheek, and because she never forgot her dear Remy, Penny then produced a new toy from her tote bag and gave him one last loving scratch behind his ear.

 

“My boys,” she’d smiled and Rafael had loved the sound of it and so wanted to be hers in every sense of the word.

 

 

Now Rafael heard her sigh in her sleep and he was compelled to gently shift closer to her beneath the white cotton sheet. He scooted over until her bare bottom, round and soft, was pressed snugly against him and he wrapped his left arm around her frame to gather her close to his chest. She didn’t wake, only released a soft hum at the warmth pressed against her and Rafael manoeuvred her silky hair to tuck his face against her nape. As the feathery wisps tickled his cheek his mind traced over the last fourteen months since graduation, of the few long weekends and speedy visits they’d enjoyed which had slowly paved her path to him and the warm embrace they now found themselves in.

 

Penny had visited him three times, which was three more than Rafael had managed. She understood and never griped, knowing Remy exceeded the ‘small dogs only’ travel rule and Rafael’s options for assistance were sparse.

 

The first brick in her path was laid during the Labor Day weekend. They’d eaten kung-pao chicken, shared a six-pack of beer and watched her VHS copy of My Neighbour Totoro on his little television and somewhere Rafael had revealed his concerns over the Bar results.

 

“I’m supposed to be an attorney,” he’d explained to Penny as she massaged his sock-covered feet nestled in her lap. “I’m really just playing pretend until those results come through. And if I haven’t passed -”

 

She had crawled across the couch to kneel at his side and looked him dead in the eye and even now, laying in his warm bed, Rafael could still remember seeing himself reflected in the wide blackness of her pupils.

 

“Rafael Barba,” she had drawled and he smelt the beer on her breath and the Vanilla Fields perfume on her wrist and neck. “You don’t graduate summa cum laude from Harvard Law and _not_ pass the Bar.”

 

She’d planted a soothing peck on his forehead, just above his furrowed and troubled brow, and then another on the tip of his aquiline nose. Her painted lips then travelled left to his cheek and then right to the other and Rafael had discovered himself holding in breath as she dipped her head to peck at his chin. Carefully she had moved herself into his lap and her fingers combed through his hair at the temples until her lips finally landed on his. When she tenderly nipped at him he’d instinctively brought his hands up to cup her face and parted his lips to accept her long awaited kiss.

 

They had been tipsy, not drunk but not sober enough for Rafael to ever allow his hands to travel further past her waist. Slowly, but eagerly, they had indulged in that small, new feature of their friendship while Remy watched in bored disinterest from his beanbag - as if the turn of events were completely normal and unsurprising.

 

Since the events of that weekend the thought of _something more_ crept into his mind – sometimes late at night, or while he was picking up his mail, or sitting at his desk revising his question tree. The image of her wrapped around him, skin flushed and glistening, would settle in his brain and if he closed his eyes he could see her looking up at him, or down from above (the specifics of the fantasy often changed). That wasn’t the only desire he harboured; there were more mundane ones, though no less desirable to him, of walking Remy in the park, cooking together in his pokey kitchen or riding the subway together on their way to work in the morning.

 

He kept them in check during the Christmas holiday when she’d stayed for a night and he had dragged her to a midnight screening of Scream. Penny had suggested the alternative option, the less frightening cinematic experience of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s holiday venture Jingle All The Way, which was met with an exaggerated eye roll from him.

 

“I’m a big ol’ ‘fraidy cat,” she had warned him as they passed the Candy Bar with their tickets.

 

Rafael had chuckled when she tucked her face into his chest as a forty foot tall Drew Barrymore ran shrieking across her lawn complete in Dolby Surround and he was still smiling when, throughout the cold December night, she had clung to his back like a needy big spoon muttering something about Ghostface copycats and unplugging her phone when she returned home.

 

 

 

Penny inhaled sharply as she woke and sluggishly manoeuvred in his grasp to face him. Her eyes were tired and still half closed and the remnants of the ruby lipstick that had graced her lips earlier was now a faint smudge at the right side of her mouth. Imagining the marks her red rouge had made on his own body made him tingle with excitement and he wondered whether, in their close proximity, she could feel him stir and twitch.

 

“Good evening,” she smirked and gently ran her fingers across his chest until they were lost in the dark patch of hair there. The tips of her fingers were cool and his skin turned to goose bumps as they trailed across to his left nipple to trace the small smattering of fine hairs circling.

 

The faint ghost of his stubble tickled her fair skin as he learnt forward to kiss her and when she giggled he purposefully rubbed his face on hers. The joyful echoes of her laughter swam through his bedroom and he didn’t know how he’d gone so long without the sound.

 

“Won’t you miss DC, your friends and the gallery, your bicycle?”

 

“It always felt like something was missing,” she whispered against the crisp white pillow before adding, “that bike was kickass, though.”

 

In the shadowy dim of his bedroom Penny’s lips found his and bestowed upon them a feather light kiss. Rafael was smiling when they brushed against his and when she pulled away he could feel her warm breath caress his face. She spoke again, lower than before.

 

“I was so worried about you after the funeral,” she explained. “And I realised I didn’t want to leave you anymore, I was tired of saying goodbye and leaving you on station platforms.”

 

She had jumped on the first train to New York after he’d called her from the busy corridor of the Bronx-Lebanon hospital and held him close when he had wrestled with his anger and grief. And when they sat on the hard awkward church pew Rafael had ignored the conciliating words of the priest and instead recalled every injury inflected by his father, Penny stayed at his side cradling his hand in hers.

 

That same hand was now spread over his chest and he knew as he lay watching her sleepy features that it had all been worth the wait.

 

He had found her to be shier than her performance on the phone would have suggested; she blushed as he trailed kisses over her collarbone down to her bare chest and she subtly worried her bottom lip with her tongue when she took him in her hand and deftly drew out his own low husky moans.

 

Rafael had liked the way she watched him, held his stare as she writhed beneath him. Yelina had never done that, she kept her eyes closed tight or hid her face away from him. Hell, even Bobby Perez managed to hold his eye the few times they had fooled around while his parents were out of the house. Penny’s hazel orbs had been large and wide, locked on his own while the muscles in his back tightened under her splayed hands.

 

He hadn’t made her body sing and tremble with pleasure like she had his and he was determined to amend his failings if she would allow him the chance. She had read his bothered features before he’d even managed to catch his breath. While he was still draped over her and panting she had smiled sweetly, ran her thumb over his damp brow and assured him of the old adage, practice makes perfect.

 

And she must have seen the troubled expression on his face again now as her mouth moved lazily into a grin and she cautioned him, “Rafael, I’m _more_ than willing to test Dr Ericsson’s 10,000 hours theory.”

 

He brought his fingers up to smooth over her cheek and then traced the line of her freckled nose.

“Do you think I should get it pierced?” she whispered, changing the subject completely.

 

She’d joked about procuring a nose ring half a dozen times since she’d moved to DC. Penny had rented a room from a young woman named Gabrielle who she had sarcastically described as being a ‘bundle of personality.’ She wore a nose ring and a permanent scowl and was eternally indifferent to absolutely everything. Penny had warned him that the girl’s grungy apathy may be contagious and she could end up with a piercing of her own.

 

Rafael shook his head, “it’d hurt.”

 

“You’d have to kiss it better.”

 

Rafael could suddenly see the appeal, and replied “I’d kiss anywhere you wanted me to, Cariño.”

 

She took his hand in hers and guided his finger to her bow lips. “Here?” she asked, a tad mumbled from his index finger. He nodded his head into the pillow; of course he’d worship those perfectly kissable lips with his own.

 

She directed his hands down her long neck to her clavicle and trailed it softly over the mound of her right breast, letting his thumb and forefinger come to rest at her pink, erect nipple. She repeated her question and a wry smile tugged at the corner of her lips.

 

Again he nodded his head, taking the opportunity to circle the pad of his thumb around the blush coloured rose petal at the peak her breast. She journeyed his hand down to the protrusion of her tummy and his fingers found her bellybutton.

 

“Here?” she asked again and he smiled as he traced a circle around her navel.

 

He only just managed to suppress a boyish giggle as he felt her bring his hand down further until his fingers were gently brushing over her vulva. Impulsively he inched his fingers further toward her warmth and he watched as she bit her lip and finally, between a whimper and a moan, enquired, “here?”

Rafael nodded again and kept his hand wedged between her thighs so his fingers could lightly stroke and pulse against her.

 

“I have to go walk Remy,” he realised in a disappointed sigh though he made no effort to remove his busy fingers.

 

The sheet had gathered around her waist and she skillfully drew it lower with her right foot until it pooled at their knees, leaving them both completely exposed to the warm night air and the bright moonbeams spiraling in through his bedroom window.

“I’ll come with you,” Penny yawned and then, as if a flash of crude brilliance had hit her, a sassy smirk graced her face and she breathed, “And then I’ll _come_ with you.”

 

It was dreadful but he laughed despite himself. Running his now freed hand down the shapely curve of her body his eyes followed the line of her hips as they rounded like a musicians guitar and he was suddenly overwhelmed by the need to learn her, to become fluent in the practice of her body. From the various marks and imperfections to the way her face contorted when he plucked and caressed the right spot he vowed to know her completely. He was reminded of a passage he'd read as a freshman, _Quiero hacer contigo lo que la primavera hace con los cerezos_ and the thought of her blush-tinted skin caused his breath to hitch. [2]

 

The breathy whimpers, her purest smiles, even her annoyed glares – they were all notes he wanted to learn, practice and eventually perfect.

 

 

 

\----

 

 

[1] Excerpt from Evelyn Waugh's Brideshead Revisited

[2] 'I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.' [from Neruda's Love Poem XIV]

 


End file.
